Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Undending Tale Of {add_text_here}

Climbing up the hill, you suddenly realize, you're not wearing any shoes.
Looking around for anything that could be used as protective footwear, a wild pigeon appears out of nowhere.
It knows you're trying to find your shoes, by looking for clues.
The pigeon poops on your feet, makes its escape.
You then thank it for its albeit shitty, neat protective drape.
This journey that you're on, you never knew when it had begun to be one.
You started out with an errand that needed to be run, barbequing beefsteaks not so well done.
Shone with all its might, the Green mystical aura beckoned you with its soulful light.
You wield the Force of the Red-Eyed Omnom, slaying blood-red crispy dough.
Passing on the Torch Of Eternal Highness, you speak the words: "That toke though."
Proceeding toward the valley, you find a river flowing in Neptune's direction.
Following this river, you find yourself at the foot of a mountain, with an uncertain notion.
Lament lay ahead in its cave; a path by the dread hath been paved, for those seeking what they seek and craving what they craved.
'As you sow, so shall you reap', exclaimed the monk of the hole.
Shoving dirt down his throat, you sleep and drink from his bowl.
Flying across lands, beating winds to their feet,
Its time you realize, you adore Saigon's gorgeous teats.
Rambo fought First Blood, while you struggle to defend yourself against empowering feminine peaches.
You came here thinking you'd be forever debaucherous and blown,
But neither are you stranger from a strange land, nor are you at home.
Its seven, off goes the alarm and you're back where you started.
Yawning out loud, you then wake to read, mail from the guy that farted.
Spoke your mind you did, toke theirs' they did, you didn't get the job you wanted.
Aimlessly you lay, a day's worth time you slay, your plan to conquer - thwarted.
Back to square one, you treat yourself with a chilli bun, and toward the pooper you darted.
So it has been a while since you last spoke, all you remember is someone brought coke.
It's a new day, it's a new start. You can't afford to make a bulb joke - you're broke.
Everywhere you turn, everything you churn - all you hear is just an oral blart.
So you step out in to the crowd, seeking inspiration from the local funnies.
Turns out, you aren't all that bad. How can you, when there're those that joke about fucking like bunnies!
Back again you are, from another hiatus,
This time yelling at people "bite us".
You have nothing to rhyme here, so they made a mummy out of Horus.
You think you drive great even after 4 beers,
But you sure didn't expect a Dosa and two dogs to almost ruin New Years'.
Arr-dy arr arr! A one-legged pirate you became,
All you wanted was a Dosa in a pot, for which you were game.
You end up returning like Kakarot after Vegeta vs Frieza.
Glad you were back in for One Piece, you order some pizza,
You then wake up from dreaming being humped by Namobama followers in Ibiza.
Things have turned out completely differently, since when you left Taif.
For as long as you can remember being horny, you've been looking for that second part of yours all your life,
Your mom found your brother one, quicker than you'd take to bring down a tree with a knife.
When confronted you tell people, it's seven more years before you'd want a wife.
It's because you are yet to master farting like a ninja, an unending strife.
Your most important revelation, left you in tears,
Alotta things stood up; your soul, hair and even ears.
Yearn for your mother's land you suddenly do, and cry to their music subconsciously and outta the blue.
Change the world, you decide to.
Educate the future, your will must stick like glue

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Seven Indianisms Every Writer Should Avoid

We are like this only, because like this only we will be!

Indianisms are quite common, when it comes to the way most our fellow Indians speak. Most of us can’t help it. Our thoughts are processed in our native language, and we’d translate it to the language we’re trying to speak in. They aren’t correct, but sure as hell are hilarious.
“Basically, myself Kumaran Chandraskeravelu, and I am just passed out of college by having 87% of marks. Yourself also 87%, no?”
Pretty much how I’ve heard quite a few university graduates speak. Let’s try breaking this down.

The Basicallies:
The word “basically” is basically used to stress an important aspect or when you’re trying to make a point. A lot of the time, it ends up being excessively used in most contexts where it really isn’t needed, making it Indianised. I guess, Kumaran just wants us to believe what he’s telling us.

I’m sure many, if not all, would’ve gotten calls from credit card companies where the person engaging the conversation begins with “Hello, myself…”. A simple “I’m…” would have the customer intrigued, but a “myself”, makes you want to hang up. Admit it, you’ve even done it too.

Yes, everyone got drunk in college!
“Which year did you pass out of college?”
“Ohh, mostly every other night. But I did graduate sober!”

Wrong place, wrong phrase.
Sometimes, by having a wrong phrase in the wrong context, a new Indianism is created.
“By having styles like Mithun Chakrabothy, I am a disco dancer. Tan tan tana!!”

You and yours and yourself
If myself had a BFF, it would be yourself. I mean it! In any and every context applicable.
…., no? No!
“You will go out on a date with me, no?” Ask her out that way and its definitely going to be a no.
“Question tags, question tags where have you been?” “I got friend-zoned! *hic*”

Yes, you counted right! The title says seven and I’ve only listed six. Don’t worry ya. Its ok.
Be positive. All good will come to those who always be positive. Being positive is what makes you a true Hindustani, no? Yes!

As writers, we definitely do want to sound Indian. Not by the way we write whatever we write, but by our ideologies. Because, this is who we are and this is how we will be!


This article is meant for time-pass and comical purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental, ok?